Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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