My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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