so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
