Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
