So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
