I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
