My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I queefed so loud it echoed.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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