I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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