cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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