I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
