i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
