i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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