Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
