How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
