Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
