mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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