also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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