No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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