The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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