a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Found the puke drawer
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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