you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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