Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
