fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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