So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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