yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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