Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
