the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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