I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
