When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
did you just send me my own nude
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
