I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
