She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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