My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
