Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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