Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
