i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
