Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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