I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
