don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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