I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
