Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it because I queefed?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
3pm strippers are depressing
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
