ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
