Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
