My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
