wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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