If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
