you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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