i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We left the knife in your bed.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
