I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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