Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
