So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
even my farts smell like vagina
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
