I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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